Despite the best efforts of Greg Kinnear and Canada's History Channel very few grade school students know anything about U.S. history. Therefore, I propose we launch a series of animated specials focusing on important moments in America's past. First up...ASSASSIMATION: Jack Ruby & The Beanstalk
There once was a boy named Jack with questionable ties to the mafia. He lived with four strippers, a master of ceremonies, an assistant manager, a band, three or four waitresses, and a porter and their most valuable possession was their nightclub. But the day came when the club stopped attracting customers and Jack’s investors said it must be sold.
“Put it on the market,” they told Jack. “And mind you get a good price for it.”
So Jack took the deed to the club and set out to put it on the market. He hadn’t gone far when he met an Italian (or maybe Cuban) man who said to him: “Good morning, Jack.”
“Good morning to you,” said Jack, wondering how the man knew his name.
“Where are you off to, Jack?” the man asked.
“I’m going to put my club on the market.”
“Don’t do that,” said the man. “Sell your club to me. I will give you better than fair market value. “Look here. What are these? These are bullets. Listen to what I'm going to tell you now: These are magic bullets. Fire these bullets and overnight you’ll find we have the finest country in the world. You’ll be much better off with these bullets than any club or money. Now, how many is three?”
“One misses the motorcade, one strikes the president and Governor Connally and one is the killshot,” replied Jack.
“Right you are, here are three bullets,” said the man and he handed the bullets to Jack and took the deed to the club.
When he reached home, the investors said, “Back so soon, Jack? Did you get a good price for the club?”
Jack told them how he had traded the club for three bullets but before he could finish the story, the investors started to shout. “You idiot,” they screamed. “How could you hand over our club for three measly bullets?!?”
They flung the bullets out the window and sent Jack to bed before the club’s late show.
When Jack awoke the next morning there was a strange noise outside his room. All he could see from the window was a big crowd of people. It went on longer than he could see. Quickly Jack go dressed and went to investigate.
“The Italian (or possibly Cuban) man said the country would change overnight,” he thought. “They must indeed have been very magic bullets.”
Further and further Jack walked until at last he reached the end of the crowd and found himself in front of a strange building. He entered the building and walked down a number of steps until he came to a dark basement and another crowd of people. Just as he was about to ask what all the excitement was, he nearly tripped over the feet of a policeman.
“Here boy,” he called. “What are you doing? Don’t you know there’s a killer coming? It’s lucky he’s already used his three magic bullets or he might’ve killed you.”
“Oh, no!” Jack cried. “He must’ve found my three magic bullets. Now I don’t have my club or the magic bullets! My investors will be so angry. Please, you must hide me.”
Now the police officer had a kind heart and was corrupt, so he hid Jack amongst the reporters and gawkers that had assembled to catch a glimpse of the monster. Jack watched the crowd and then he heard a reporter say, “I hear the mob has offered to pay handsomely to anyone who kills Oswald.”
“I must kill the monster if I can,” thought Jack. “It’s the only way to keep my investors from breaking my legs... or worse.” He was still planning when the ground began to shake and the crowd surged forward and a loud voice boomed, “Here he comes.”
Jack raced towards the front of the crowd and saw the monster in front of him. Jack seized a gun and pulled the trigger with all his might. Boom!
The monster shook and shuddered and collapsed, dead at their feet. Jack’s debts were forgiven and they all lived happily ever after until Jack died of lung cancer in prison a few years later.
According to the quiz, she is bookish but incredibly pretty. I guess that and the see-through dress are what attracted that beast Wills to her. Does that make Harry Jerry Orbach or Angela Lansbury?
