Sometime between his 4th or 5th pint and the other team’s 4th or 5th goal the man shakes his head and says, “This has got to stop.”
It’s unclear if he’s referring to the drinking, the game or the six hours he’s spent in the pub but that doesn’t keep the woman at the next table, a stranger, from patting him on the arm and saying, “I know what you need.”
This type of unsolicited advice is more common than ever, particularly during the holiday season, and even though the man ignores the woman’s list of books, tapes and books on tape that she “just knows” will help him, her wide-eyed enthusiasm and ever-increasing volume make it clear she’s pitching one of two things:
Religion or Self-help.
Both are big business and despite the fact that each group vehemently denies they are the other, there are similarities: Alcoholics Anonymous discusses a higher power in its 12 steps, churches regularly tell you to look for God within, and Oprah dwarfs them both.
Take a moment to consider the last piece of advice you received from a friend, family member, or stranger in a bar and chances are it falls into one of these two categories because, really, they cover everything.
Religion includes every possible faith and denomination and even the staunchest atheist will admit they have a cursory knowledge of their neighbors’ beliefs. Self-help touches on similar territory, figuratively (recovery) and literally (real estate).
Both groups stress the importance of walking the walk, but walk on what exactly?
Walking on water has come to refer to accomplishing something amazing or miraculous and while examples of it appear in the texts of different faiths, the account of Jesus’ sodden stroll is the one that we remember. His disciples were afraid and then amazed and their lives were never the same.
Fast-forward a couple thousand years and you find another charismatic teacher standing on the shore, urging his followers to change their ways. This time it’s Tony Robbins walking on fire in Hawaii. It too has been done before but it also astounds and inspires the frightened masses.
Is one walk greater than the other? Is overcoming depth more or less miraculous than overcoming temperature?
Who knows. That would require rounds of scientific testing, the likes of which both religion and self-help do their best to avoid.
* * *
Back in the pub the woman finishes describing the features and benefits of what she’s selling to the man. She runs through her pros and his cons in an efficient and orderly manner.
But the man isn’t buying it. He buys soup instead.
The deepest bowl of piping hot French Onion soup this or any bar has ever made. It’s familiar and comforting and if anyone walks across the surface of it, we’ll follow them anywhere.
A machine gun and the greatest Christmas movie ever. Ho Ho Ho.
After a movie marathon that includes titles like “The Holiday,” “While You Were Sleeping,” “Four Christmases” and “Love, Actually” you’re probably asking yourself, “When did Christmas become a holiday for chicks?” and “How do I forget I saw Hugh Grant dancing?”
There’s alcohol, of course, with all kinds of winter ales available for just such an emergency, but try not to drink so much that you forget there are also some solid Christmas movie choices for guys.
Truth be told, most men already have a favorite Christmas film and will rave about their choice with or without the help of those holiday beers. But really, only one movie combines the scruffy slapstick of “Bad Santa” and “Trapped in Paradise,” the memorable catchphrases of “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” and “Scrooged” and the go-for-broke gunplay of “The Ref” and “The Ice Harvest.”
That film is “Die Hard.”
On the surface it’s an unusual choice for greatest Christmas movie ever made. It takes place almost exclusively in an L.A. skyscraper so there’s no snow, the only Christmas Carol featured is Run DMC’s “Christmas In Hollis” and every inch of gift wrap is used to conceal a gun between Bruce Willis’ shoulder blades. Some people have even suggested that “Die Hard 2: Die Harder” might be a better choice.
Those people are wrong.
Because if you dig a little deeper you realize that most of your Christmas references are based on that first “Die Hard” movie. Think about it, when you borrow your buddy’s boots to shovel the walk you say he has feet smaller than your sister, while reading ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas to your nieces you can’t help throwing in “four a-holes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation” and there’s no way you haven’t drunkenly told the Christmas turkey you’re gonna f-in' cook it, and f-in’ eat it.
Still not convinced it’s the ultimate Christmas classic? Consider this:
As the film is drawing to a close and Reginald VelJohnson’s cop (the Tiny Tim in this modern-day “A Christmas Carol”) shakes off his psychological limp, draws his gun and fires a round into Alexander Godunov’s Karl, saving our hero and Christmas in the process, there’s only one thing to say, the phrase that best sums up the holidays and the words that Dickens would have written himself if he had only used a gun instead of a fountain pen:
Yippee-ki-yay us, everyone.
There’s alcohol, of course, with all kinds of winter ales available for just such an emergency, but try not to drink so much that you forget there are also some solid Christmas movie choices for guys.
Truth be told, most men already have a favorite Christmas film and will rave about their choice with or without the help of those holiday beers. But really, only one movie combines the scruffy slapstick of “Bad Santa” and “Trapped in Paradise,” the memorable catchphrases of “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” and “Scrooged” and the go-for-broke gunplay of “The Ref” and “The Ice Harvest.”
That film is “Die Hard.”
On the surface it’s an unusual choice for greatest Christmas movie ever made. It takes place almost exclusively in an L.A. skyscraper so there’s no snow, the only Christmas Carol featured is Run DMC’s “Christmas In Hollis” and every inch of gift wrap is used to conceal a gun between Bruce Willis’ shoulder blades. Some people have even suggested that “Die Hard 2: Die Harder” might be a better choice.
Those people are wrong.
Because if you dig a little deeper you realize that most of your Christmas references are based on that first “Die Hard” movie. Think about it, when you borrow your buddy’s boots to shovel the walk you say he has feet smaller than your sister, while reading ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas to your nieces you can’t help throwing in “four a-holes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation” and there’s no way you haven’t drunkenly told the Christmas turkey you’re gonna f-in' cook it, and f-in’ eat it.
Still not convinced it’s the ultimate Christmas classic? Consider this:
As the film is drawing to a close and Reginald VelJohnson’s cop (the Tiny Tim in this modern-day “A Christmas Carol”) shakes off his psychological limp, draws his gun and fires a round into Alexander Godunov’s Karl, saving our hero and Christmas in the process, there’s only one thing to say, the phrase that best sums up the holidays and the words that Dickens would have written himself if he had only used a gun instead of a fountain pen:
Yippee-ki-yay us, everyone.
James Moloney Observes Keeping Up With The Kardashians
My father happened upon Keeping Up With The Kardashians for the first time ever. I was lucky enough to be in the next room to hear his reactions.
"Oh my god. No!"
"Bruce Jenner is nuts."
"Stop this!"
"Why?"
"Bruce Jenner's homophobic?"
"And he goes to buy his clothes at Dash... Of course..."
"Their stores are next to one another?"
"And I'm bored."
"WHO'S KENDRA?!?" [Me: "One of Hef's girls, I think."] "Oh. Why not."
"Okay, that's enough of that. Is Big Bang Theory on?"
"Oh my god. No!"
"Bruce Jenner is nuts."
"Stop this!"
"Why?"
"Bruce Jenner's homophobic?"
"And he goes to buy his clothes at Dash... Of course..."
"Their stores are next to one another?"
"And I'm bored."
"WHO'S KENDRA?!?" [Me: "One of Hef's girls, I think."] "Oh. Why not."
"Okay, that's enough of that. Is Big Bang Theory on?"
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