With the recent talk of school shootings and firearm registries I have been thinking a lot about guns. Even though I have not discussed the issue at great length with any of the anti-gun lobbyists (or actual gun owners, for that matter), I believe I have figured out the perfect gun control plan:
One gun.
I know, I know. But stay with me.
The government offers a single gun to the public, to be rented on a weekly basis. And for that week the renter is entirely responsible for the proprietorship and up-keep of ‘the weapon.’ Any legitimate activities or crimes committed during the week will be entirely the responsibility of the renter, with all damages paid by them. Think of it as a timeshare. But instead of a condo in Aspen, you get one week with an automatic weapon.
And this won’t be just any old gun. I’m talking about a real kick-ass hand cannon. I know next to nothing about guns, but I figure we could assemble a team of the world’s top firearm enthusiasts to decide which scopes and mounts and cartridges should be used. Not even a tank will be able to stop this thing.
I’m sure a few of you are thinking, ‘This is way too good to be true.’ But I should warn you it’s not going to come cheap. The gun industry is a $2 billion per year business, and suddenly switching to producing one gun, from millions of guns, could financially-cripple the men and women who make their living producing weapons. The only solution I can see is to charge $40 million per week to rent the gun.
I realize it’s not entirely fair the gun would only be available to the richest of the rich. And normally, I would agree and try to figure out the best way to create subsidies and scholarships the government could offer to help everyone afford gun time. But fortunately, I realized, gun owners tend to be small-l libertarians and conservatives who are philosophically opposed to any and all government handouts, and would instead embrace the free market plan I have created. Because if they didn’t they’d be total hypocrites.
I discussed the idea with an American gun-owning friend of mine. She had some reservations:
“That idea might fly in Canada,” she said. “But we have something called The Second Amendment…The Right to Bear Arms.
And in case you didn’t notice ‘arms’ is plural.”
I can't argue with that logic. But I’m not deterred. And so I’ve come up with a slightly revised plan:
Two guns.
Fighting For $$$
Me spots a street youth with a sign that reads: WILL FIGHT YOU FOR $$$.
Me
(points to sign)
Do a lot of people take you up on that?
Youth
A few.
Me
(sizes up the guy for a minute)
Okay, dude, let’s do it.
Youth
Fight?
Me
Yeah. You’re younger and got a few inches on me but I think I can beat you. How much money are we fighting for?
Youth
Uh, well, $5?
Me
Hmmm... I don’t know, there are only 3 dollar signs on your sign.
Youth
Um... Well...
Me
It’s okay, I’m feeling pretty confident. How do we start? Is there a starting position like in collegiate wrestling or do we just start wailing on each other?
Youth
Um... You have to give me the money first.
Me
What? No way. You’ll have to beat me before you get my money.
Youth
That’s not how it works. You give me the $5 and then I fight you.
Me
What kind of a contest is that?
Youth
It’s not a contest, it’s like, uh, a service.
Me
WHAT?!? I’m paying to fight with you?
Youth
Yeah.
Me
Why would I do that? Are you some sort of master at combat?
Youth
No.
Me
Then why would I pay you for a fight? I could fight most of the people on this street for free. I could even just start hitting you for free.
Youth
Yeah, but, if you don’t pay me, I won’t fight back.
Me
It’ll still be a fight though. Just a quick one.
Youth
No it won’t, it’ll be more like, um, a beating.
Me
A beating is a fight. It just means one guy was that much better. Besides, if I started punching you, you’d defend yourself.
Youth
Not if I didn’t get the money first.
Me
So, you’d just stand there and let me punch you over and over again on principle... for free?
Youth
Yes.
Me
Well, if I can punch you for free why would I ever pay you for it?
Youth
You’re paying for me to punch you back.
Me
Why would I pay for that?
Youth
Because then it would be, like, more of a challenge.
Me
I should pay you to make something more difficult for me? That doesn’t make any sense. People pay for things to be easier not harder.
Youth
Okay, $3.
Me
(points to sign)
Do a lot of people take you up on that?
Youth
A few.
Me
(sizes up the guy for a minute)
Okay, dude, let’s do it.
Youth
Fight?
Me
Yeah. You’re younger and got a few inches on me but I think I can beat you. How much money are we fighting for?
Youth
Uh, well, $5?
Me
Hmmm... I don’t know, there are only 3 dollar signs on your sign.
Youth
Um... Well...
Me
It’s okay, I’m feeling pretty confident. How do we start? Is there a starting position like in collegiate wrestling or do we just start wailing on each other?
Youth
Um... You have to give me the money first.
Me
What? No way. You’ll have to beat me before you get my money.
Youth
That’s not how it works. You give me the $5 and then I fight you.
Me
What kind of a contest is that?
Youth
It’s not a contest, it’s like, uh, a service.
Me
WHAT?!? I’m paying to fight with you?
Youth
Yeah.
Me
Why would I do that? Are you some sort of master at combat?
Youth
No.
Me
Then why would I pay you for a fight? I could fight most of the people on this street for free. I could even just start hitting you for free.
Youth
Yeah, but, if you don’t pay me, I won’t fight back.
Me
It’ll still be a fight though. Just a quick one.
Youth
No it won’t, it’ll be more like, um, a beating.
Me
A beating is a fight. It just means one guy was that much better. Besides, if I started punching you, you’d defend yourself.
Youth
Not if I didn’t get the money first.
Me
So, you’d just stand there and let me punch you over and over again on principle... for free?
Youth
Yes.
Me
Well, if I can punch you for free why would I ever pay you for it?
Youth
You’re paying for me to punch you back.
Me
Why would I pay for that?
Youth
Because then it would be, like, more of a challenge.
Me
I should pay you to make something more difficult for me? That doesn’t make any sense. People pay for things to be easier not harder.
Youth
Okay, $3.
Engineering
Eaton Centre. Large group of students dressed in coveralls and hard hats milling around.
Student
Do you have a minute for cystic fibrosis?
Me
(glancing at non-existent watch)
Yes. Go.
Student
You’re not wearing a watch.
Me
56 seconds...
Student
We’re Ryerson engineering students and we’re helping to raise money for cystic fibrosis. For $2 I’ll let you throw a water balloon in my face.
Me
You’re engineering students and all you came up with was balloons and a sign?
Student
What do you mean?
Me
Aren’t you guys supposed to be building bridges and stuff?
Student
We’re electrical engineers.
Me
Okay, but you’re not using any electricity either.
Student
Electricity doesn’t mix well with water balloons.
Me
Yes, but why use water bal... Never mind... Do I have to use your balloon?
Student
Well, uh, do you have your own water balloon?
Me
No. But I think I could get one if I really had to.
Student
We have plenty here.
Me
Yes, but is the cost of the balloon covered by the two dollars.
Student
Uh, yeah, it’s all covered.
Me
There are no hidden costs in this.
Student
No, it’s a charity thing.
Me
Yeah, but I don’t want you suddenly charging some sort of latex thing.
Student
It’s just $2!
Me
Okay. Fine. What do I do?
Student
Here’s a balloon. Throw it in my face.
Me
I think I’m going to need more direction than that.
Student
Dude, it’s simple, just throw the balloon at my face.
Me
I’m just concerned that I might...
Student
We have a line forming!
Me
Okay, okay.
Me rears back and throws the balloon at Student. The balloon explodes soaking the guy.
Student
FUCK!
Me
What?
Student
(blood streaming down his face)
Shit! I think you broke my nose. What’s wrong with you?
Me
You told me to throw a water balloon in your face. We were curing cystic fibrosis.
Student
I said, “Throw it.”
Me
I did!
Student
You don’t follow-through!
Me
I didn’t know.
Student
You basically just punched me in the face.
Me
I thought that’s how you do it. You gave me no instructions. I asked for instructions.
Student
You shouldn’t need instructions for throwing a water balloon. What were you thinking?
Me
I thought I had to hit you in the face with it. Like a pie or a boxing glove.
Student
It doesn’t work that way, you fucking asshole.
Me
Well, you’re the engineering student, you would know.
Student
Just give me the $2 and get the fuck out of here.
Me
(looking for two bucks)
You know, a business student would have asked for this upfront.
Student
Do you have a minute for cystic fibrosis?
Me
(glancing at non-existent watch)
Yes. Go.
Student
You’re not wearing a watch.
Me
56 seconds...
Student
We’re Ryerson engineering students and we’re helping to raise money for cystic fibrosis. For $2 I’ll let you throw a water balloon in my face.
Me
You’re engineering students and all you came up with was balloons and a sign?
Student
What do you mean?
Me
Aren’t you guys supposed to be building bridges and stuff?
Student
We’re electrical engineers.
Me
Okay, but you’re not using any electricity either.
Student
Electricity doesn’t mix well with water balloons.
Me
Yes, but why use water bal... Never mind... Do I have to use your balloon?
Student
Well, uh, do you have your own water balloon?
Me
No. But I think I could get one if I really had to.
Student
We have plenty here.
Me
Yes, but is the cost of the balloon covered by the two dollars.
Student
Uh, yeah, it’s all covered.
Me
There are no hidden costs in this.
Student
No, it’s a charity thing.
Me
Yeah, but I don’t want you suddenly charging some sort of latex thing.
Student
It’s just $2!
Me
Okay. Fine. What do I do?
Student
Here’s a balloon. Throw it in my face.
Me
I think I’m going to need more direction than that.
Student
Dude, it’s simple, just throw the balloon at my face.
Me
I’m just concerned that I might...
Student
We have a line forming!
Me
Okay, okay.
Me rears back and throws the balloon at Student. The balloon explodes soaking the guy.
Student
FUCK!
Me
What?
Student
(blood streaming down his face)
Shit! I think you broke my nose. What’s wrong with you?
Me
You told me to throw a water balloon in your face. We were curing cystic fibrosis.
Student
I said, “Throw it.”
Me
I did!
Student
You don’t follow-through!
Me
I didn’t know.
Student
You basically just punched me in the face.
Me
I thought that’s how you do it. You gave me no instructions. I asked for instructions.
Student
You shouldn’t need instructions for throwing a water balloon. What were you thinking?
Me
I thought I had to hit you in the face with it. Like a pie or a boxing glove.
Student
It doesn’t work that way, you fucking asshole.
Me
Well, you’re the engineering student, you would know.
Student
Just give me the $2 and get the fuck out of here.
Me
(looking for two bucks)
You know, a business student would have asked for this upfront.
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