If you happened to be flipping channels late last night you might have caught my television debut on the Jimmy Kimmel show. I was the second guest (appearing right after Kathy Griffin’s hilarious re-telling of a chance encounter with Nick Lachey and just before a thrilling 14-minute performance by Good Charlotte and the Los Angeles Philharmonic) in a spot commonly reserved for the human-interest guest, although the word ‘freak’ was thrown around a few times backstage.
When I was originally contacted by the show, I had naively assumed it had something to do with the vegetarian chili I had entered in the Clarence County Cook-off seven of the past nine years. Because despite not winning the competition again this year – my batch had placed 4th – it was a personal best for me. But it was, the gentleman on the phone explained, not the reason they were calling.
Unbeknownst to me I had recently been included in the Guinness Book of World Records under the heading “Longest Attack of Hiccups.” According to the editors my record-setting bout of hiccupping began in 1936, during a routine gathering of communists, and continued to this day. A total of more than 70 years, it beat the previous mark by almost 15 months. That combined with the attention garnered from the original AP story and the resulting media coverage (Paris and Lindsay are hiccupping at an alarming rate!!!) led to my fielding questions on a network talk show.
“Did you have any idea it would ever get this crazy?” Jimmy asked when the audience finally stopped clapping and sat down.
“No,” I said, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. It was the prepared answer provided by my publicist and not a very good one. Besides, now that I had time to reflect, there probably were a few signs.
For as long as I can remember, whenever dining at a restaurant the waiter would immediately deliver a pitcher of water to my table and with a concerned look ask, “Is there anything more I can do?” Could it be what I once believed was conscientious beveraging was in fact something else?
Or when I was stationed in Italy during the war and my commanding officer would take me aside every morning and say things like, “Why not try holding your breath or breathing into a bag?” I realize now it probably had nothing to do with mustard gas.
And just last week my wife looked up from her US Weekly and shouted, “Oh my god, will you quit it with the hiccups, already.”
After my appearance with Jimmy, I was led to a black sedan idling on the street. On the way past the protestors I saw the show’s executive producer turn to an intern and mutter, “Well, that’s the last we’ll hear from him.”
Never one to let a slam go unanswered and still hot from the studio lights, I spun around to face the woman.
“How dare you,” I shouted, waving my finger in her face.
“Bless you,” she said matter-of-factly.
“What?” I asked, recoiling slightly, concerned she might be one of those religious zealots Katie Couric liked to talk about.
“You sneezed,” she replied.
I considered that for a moment.
“Did I?”
Bush's Bad Rap
When President George W. Bush mentioned he might have to put a cap in Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s ass during a speech in Kansas last week, it appeared to many to be a serious gaffe or at the very least a political miscalculation. But most Washington scribes saw it for what it really was, a carefully orchestrated tactical maneuver by the president’s new Deputy Chief of Staff Timothy Z. Mosley, perhaps better known as hip-hop producer Timbaland.
On the surface, the rap impresario seems an odd choice for the job. Despite producing platinum-selling albums for the likes of the Pussycat Dolls and Nelly Furtado, and winning multiple Grammys, he has no real political experience. But based on his work with Justin Timberlake, the president’s close-knit group of advisers feel Timbaland is just the person to re-invent the image of a, “lame duck, former cheerleader from a privileged background.”
It is, of course, not the Bush administration’s first foray into the world of pop music. There was the president’s mildly successful collaboration with Ricky Martin at his first inauguration in 2001, and his former aide Karl Rove’s disastrous attempt at rapping at this year’s Correspondent’s Dinner (a performance many feel spelled the end for the man known as ‘The Architect’ and ‘Bush’s Brain’), but the president is clearly hoping for much more from his current collaboration and with good reason.
It has been years since the president had a bona fide hit. His most recent success “Mission Accomplished,” an elaborate Cher-inspired production on an aircraft carrier, was in 2003, and “Shock and Awe” (f. Tony Blair) was long before that. It’s a ridiculous amount of time to be making excuses, and slowly inching the president into Whitney Houston territory, particularly when you consider the recent departure of his own Bobby Brown figure, former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
There is also the Obama Factor. The recent Vibe Magazine cover story only confirmed what most people already know: Barack Obama just might be black enough, after all. For the last few months, Obama has been hammering Bush in speech-after-speech with no real response from the Republican White House. Even the afore-mentioned Rove, a man who prides himself on, “murderin’ people with his rhymes” has been tight-lipped about “B-Rock” on his way out.
This can only mean one of two things. The conservative machine has a plan to call-out Obama in a serious way in future speeches by its candidates, or they’re not worried about the Illinois senator’s chances because he’s weak on health care and his name is very rhyme-able (Iraq, Yo Mama?).
As in any partnership, there have been some early missteps by the Bush-Timbaland team. Spending three full days working on Bush’s ‘rap name’ was probably a poor use of the nation’s time. And having the president enter and exit every room flashing his fingers in the shape of a ‘W’ salute, a la the Wu Tang Clan, and shouting “W. in da house,” was borderline offensive, despite being laughed off by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice as nothing more than “birth pangs”.
Listening to the president’s most recent speech on national defense, it incorporated many of the notes and much of the spin for which this administration has become known: “…the tide is turning…” and “…there is a connection between al Qaeda and Iraq.” It remains a controversial drum to beat, one that the president and the current crop of Republican frontrunners love to bang. But now, with Timbaland standing next to Bush, hyping the crowd and stating his own affirmation with a carefully placed ‘Uh huh, uh huh’ or ‘Yeah,’ it somehow all feels fresh.
On the surface, the rap impresario seems an odd choice for the job. Despite producing platinum-selling albums for the likes of the Pussycat Dolls and Nelly Furtado, and winning multiple Grammys, he has no real political experience. But based on his work with Justin Timberlake, the president’s close-knit group of advisers feel Timbaland is just the person to re-invent the image of a, “lame duck, former cheerleader from a privileged background.”
It is, of course, not the Bush administration’s first foray into the world of pop music. There was the president’s mildly successful collaboration with Ricky Martin at his first inauguration in 2001, and his former aide Karl Rove’s disastrous attempt at rapping at this year’s Correspondent’s Dinner (a performance many feel spelled the end for the man known as ‘The Architect’ and ‘Bush’s Brain’), but the president is clearly hoping for much more from his current collaboration and with good reason.
It has been years since the president had a bona fide hit. His most recent success “Mission Accomplished,” an elaborate Cher-inspired production on an aircraft carrier, was in 2003, and “Shock and Awe” (f. Tony Blair) was long before that. It’s a ridiculous amount of time to be making excuses, and slowly inching the president into Whitney Houston territory, particularly when you consider the recent departure of his own Bobby Brown figure, former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
There is also the Obama Factor. The recent Vibe Magazine cover story only confirmed what most people already know: Barack Obama just might be black enough, after all. For the last few months, Obama has been hammering Bush in speech-after-speech with no real response from the Republican White House. Even the afore-mentioned Rove, a man who prides himself on, “murderin’ people with his rhymes” has been tight-lipped about “B-Rock” on his way out.
This can only mean one of two things. The conservative machine has a plan to call-out Obama in a serious way in future speeches by its candidates, or they’re not worried about the Illinois senator’s chances because he’s weak on health care and his name is very rhyme-able (Iraq, Yo Mama?).
As in any partnership, there have been some early missteps by the Bush-Timbaland team. Spending three full days working on Bush’s ‘rap name’ was probably a poor use of the nation’s time. And having the president enter and exit every room flashing his fingers in the shape of a ‘W’ salute, a la the Wu Tang Clan, and shouting “W. in da house,” was borderline offensive, despite being laughed off by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice as nothing more than “birth pangs”.
Listening to the president’s most recent speech on national defense, it incorporated many of the notes and much of the spin for which this administration has become known: “…the tide is turning…” and “…there is a connection between al Qaeda and Iraq.” It remains a controversial drum to beat, one that the president and the current crop of Republican frontrunners love to bang. But now, with Timbaland standing next to Bush, hyping the crowd and stating his own affirmation with a carefully placed ‘Uh huh, uh huh’ or ‘Yeah,’ it somehow all feels fresh.
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